Feeling really stressful and exhausted, I took a short 2 hour afternoon nap last week and had a very weird dream. In it, I was a Buddhist nun living in a coed temple with both other nuns and monks. There was a monk that I was having a very big crush on, who fully knew how I felt and he too had some mutual feelings but never expressed them, and or tried to cross our religious boundaries.
There was a war or something going on and we were both being chased by evil bandits. My crush got attacked and injured. He was taken into hospital care but upon release, blinded both of his own eyes. It wasn't because of the injury or war mishap but rather because he was trying to suppress inappropriate feelings that a man in his position was not supposed to have. Strangely, the emotional pain I had during my dream felt so real and I pressured to know why he had to hurt himself.
This stubborn monk refused to answer directly and asked me to follow him to this one mysterious place (you know, like the ones with high mountains, flowing rivers we often see in martial arts films such as Kungfu Panda), where upon entering and contemplating or meditating, I would be able to wake up and find reasons for myself on why I kept insisting to hang on to such a dishonorable love. But then I woke up right then and never found out what the lesson of that dream was ;(
Surprisingly tonight, I was able to come to the realization on my own that I was having such a strange dream because I have recently gone through some very thrilling but forbidden romance. But no matter how beautiful and or romantic those encounters may possibly be, sooner or later, a goodbye had to be said, although I still strongly believe that love, whether right or wrong, is still a precious gift from God. A dream can't always turn into reality. Forbidden love can't bring forever happiness. Sometimes we don't want to wake up from a beautiful dream just like we never feel ready to let go of someone we still care so much about but the fact that life is beyond our control makes it so frustrating but also exciting and worth living. As the saying goes "All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on” Đừng khóc bởi vì chuyện đã qua. Hãy cười vui và sống theo từng kỷ niệm. Pour rappelez-vous une fois nous sommes tombe en amour....
**The last few sentences have been written in Vietnamese and French. For some reason, I just couldn't bring myself to finish this blog in English. There was just this really weird writer's block so I had to follow my heart's unstoppable desire to speak other languages. Translation "Don't cry because it's over. Just smile and live happily with each loving memory. And remember a time we had fallen in love."
NOTE: Although I have written many blogs, essays, short stories, letters, and poems in my lifetime, I had the most struggles with this writing. For one, I had to be extra cautious with this story due to the nature of a forbidden romance, I was in no position to reveal too much yet I still had to mention enough information to make things clear for the readers. Moreover, when I was having this strange dream a few weeks ago, I never thought of blogging about it although I did describe it on Facebook as a status because it was interesting.
When I abruptly ended this particular relationship a few days after the dream, I tried to connect the two together and made a blog. It was almost too forced in a way because I tried fooling myself into thinking that I could just add a few sentimental lines here and there to have my closure and lessen that pain. But more than a week went by and each time I revisited this blog, I would feel extremely dissatisfied with its ending. I tried to revise my writing several times and even translated the whole blog into another language but still felt it was unfinished.
Tonight, closure came on its own as it suddenly occurred to me that achieving closure and or finding peace from a broken romance cannot be accomplished by simply singing a top hit song and or publishing an amazing blog, or even crying our eyes out. Closure and peace come from deep within. We let go by accepting the circumstances, no matter how undesirable. We allow resentment to evaporate and passion to dissolve. Until there's nothing left yet everything still remains. Love is an energy that does not get disappeared but rather becomes a part of our blood and flesh. It continues to vibrate, transform, coercively shaping our lives. So breathe in and then breathe out as every breath is an opportunity to receive and let go. We receive love and we let go of pain.
There was a war or something going on and we were both being chased by evil bandits. My crush got attacked and injured. He was taken into hospital care but upon release, blinded both of his own eyes. It wasn't because of the injury or war mishap but rather because he was trying to suppress inappropriate feelings that a man in his position was not supposed to have. Strangely, the emotional pain I had during my dream felt so real and I pressured to know why he had to hurt himself.
This stubborn monk refused to answer directly and asked me to follow him to this one mysterious place (you know, like the ones with high mountains, flowing rivers we often see in martial arts films such as Kungfu Panda), where upon entering and contemplating or meditating, I would be able to wake up and find reasons for myself on why I kept insisting to hang on to such a dishonorable love. But then I woke up right then and never found out what the lesson of that dream was ;(
Surprisingly tonight, I was able to come to the realization on my own that I was having such a strange dream because I have recently gone through some very thrilling but forbidden romance. But no matter how beautiful and or romantic those encounters may possibly be, sooner or later, a goodbye had to be said, although I still strongly believe that love, whether right or wrong, is still a precious gift from God. A dream can't always turn into reality. Forbidden love can't bring forever happiness. Sometimes we don't want to wake up from a beautiful dream just like we never feel ready to let go of someone we still care so much about but the fact that life is beyond our control makes it so frustrating but also exciting and worth living. As the saying goes "All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on” Đừng khóc bởi vì chuyện đã qua. Hãy cười vui và sống theo từng kỷ niệm. Pour rappelez-vous une fois nous sommes tombe en amour....
**The last few sentences have been written in Vietnamese and French. For some reason, I just couldn't bring myself to finish this blog in English. There was just this really weird writer's block so I had to follow my heart's unstoppable desire to speak other languages. Translation "Don't cry because it's over. Just smile and live happily with each loving memory. And remember a time we had fallen in love."
NOTE: Although I have written many blogs, essays, short stories, letters, and poems in my lifetime, I had the most struggles with this writing. For one, I had to be extra cautious with this story due to the nature of a forbidden romance, I was in no position to reveal too much yet I still had to mention enough information to make things clear for the readers. Moreover, when I was having this strange dream a few weeks ago, I never thought of blogging about it although I did describe it on Facebook as a status because it was interesting.
When I abruptly ended this particular relationship a few days after the dream, I tried to connect the two together and made a blog. It was almost too forced in a way because I tried fooling myself into thinking that I could just add a few sentimental lines here and there to have my closure and lessen that pain. But more than a week went by and each time I revisited this blog, I would feel extremely dissatisfied with its ending. I tried to revise my writing several times and even translated the whole blog into another language but still felt it was unfinished.
Tonight, closure came on its own as it suddenly occurred to me that achieving closure and or finding peace from a broken romance cannot be accomplished by simply singing a top hit song and or publishing an amazing blog, or even crying our eyes out. Closure and peace come from deep within. We let go by accepting the circumstances, no matter how undesirable. We allow resentment to evaporate and passion to dissolve. Until there's nothing left yet everything still remains. Love is an energy that does not get disappeared but rather becomes a part of our blood and flesh. It continues to vibrate, transform, coercively shaping our lives. So breathe in and then breathe out as every breath is an opportunity to receive and let go. We receive love and we let go of pain.
